Wow!!! Can you believe it's been a freak'n month since my last post??? Sorry! I got a bit off track with everything. Things got a little crazy around here. So, I have big news, our new baby son, Max, was born on April 23. So now, I have even more motivation to get this show on the road.

My food has not been good lately. I've been eating crap and I know it. I havent been honest about it with my sponsor either, but I will be in the next day or so. I havent been exercising either, but I'm going to jump on that train today. I have been so happy lately that I haven't even thought about any of this, but I figure while I 'm still so happy and up, I ought to get focused again. So, here's to another start! Talk to you soon!!

It's been a week again...lol

OK, it's been a week, ok, a week and a day since I've blogged again. I really need to get better at this I know. Quite a bit has happened. I broke my fear and shared this last Monday at an OA meeting. I can't believe I was soooo scared to say "Hi, I'm Joshua, and I'm a compulsive over eater". What's so hard about that? Well, for me, it was one of the more difficult things I have done in my life. I had to admit out loud, in front of other people that I have no control over my eating, especially when eating certain things. I had to share about my how I had dealt with food in my past, and that was pretty humiliating. But, after sharing, I think I felt more support in that room than I have ever felt in my whole life.

I think getting the love and support from people who are going or have gone through what you are going through is different than the love and support you get from family and friends. Unless they have the same problem that you (or I should say I do), then they really have no idea what it's like, and the support isn't the same. I finally have a place to talk about how I deal with food, and what I'm feeling, and I dont have to worry about what they think of me...because most of them, are exactly like me.

So, I now have a sponsor as well. I have to call him everyday and tell him how I did with my food. I don't need to tell him everything I ate, unless I went off my plan. My plan consists of 3 good, healthy meals a day. No snacks in between, no sugar(cake, ice cream, candy, or any "recreational sugars"), and no pizza. Pizza is a big problem for me.

I feel like this is my last stop, my last chance if you will. Nothing has ever really worked for me. Yes, I've lost a little bit of weight here and there, but only to gain it all back and then some, every single time. This time, today, is going to be different. I'm not on a diet. I just know that there are some things that I can not eat, not because of a diet, but because I cant control myself when I eat these things. It is like being an Alcoholic, but food is my alcohol. So I begin my journey to a new me. Not just on the outside, it's not just about losing weight anymore. It's about becoming the me I have always longed to be.

I believe it's finally time to let go of all the guilt and self loathing that I've been carrying around inside my whole life. All of the things that I have done to others are in the past, and the really big ones have already been dealt with, but I've still been harboring the guilt. I've made those amends. It's time to let it go. It's time for me to stop hiding behind the food, to stop listening to that voice inside me that tells me what a loser I am, and that I dont really deserve to be happy. I'm not a loser. I do deserve to be happy, and for the first time in my life, I'm not going to be a quiter either.

I'm late.

Ok, I know it's been a little while since I have posted, and I have no excuse. At the behest of my therapist, I went to 2 OA meetings this past week, one on Friday, and one on Monday. In going to just these two meetings, I have found something out about myself... I am just like them. All of the things that I feel, they feel them too. Everything that I have gone through, and am going through, they have gone through as well. Do I feel like a loser for going?? Yes I do. But, I feel like a loser with some hope finally. I haven't committed to working the program yet, or started on any of the changes they recommend making, or starting any of the steps, but I do know I need this...more than I have ever needed anything in my life. I am powerless over food. I don't control food...food controls me.

It's been a week.

Hi all... I know, it's been a week since my last post. My eating has been ok...not the greatest, but ok. We have decided that I'm not going to follow the Dr.'s diet plan of a shake in the moring, salad at lunch and shake for dinner. It is too much like a "diet" and isnt working for me. I'm going to get another opinion. I'm still not drinking enough water...but I am doing better.

Better...

Ok all...sorry for my rant yesterday, but I need to vent. Yesterday was actually better for me. It was Ash Wedneday (The first day of Lent), so it was a NO MEAT day. I had oatmeal in the morning (although I did have 2 cups of coffee with it), a 6 inch tuna on wheat with light mayo, lettuce and green bell peppers, a small bag of baked lays, and a bottle of water for lunch. In between breakfast and lunch, I did have a sprite, and some chips..I was feeling a down as you can tell from yesterdays blog, and (I'm sorry to say) did some emotional eating.

After work, off to see my therapist, and then home. I didnt eat anything between therapy and dinner, which we have decided is one of my most dangerous times of the day on eating for me. For Dinner, we had Pasta-Roni, I forgot which one, but I had about a cup and a half of those noodles an 2 glasses of water. I had an Orange a bit later...and water.

I know I'm a day late, but I decided to give up soda for Lent, and use it as a catalyst to keep me soda free. Thanks Sis for popping that suggestion in there. I am feeling better about it all today.
I'm really glad yesterday was therapy day...I really needed it.

So this morning, I got up, took out the trash, fed the tortoise, rode the stationary for 20 minutes and got ready for work. I'm glad I got some exercise in..it's been too long. I'm also going to drink my water today!! It's going to be a good day for me.

Bad habits

I keep telling myself that it is ok that I messed up, and I can get back on track tomorrow, because "tomorrow is a new day". What a load of crap. The next day comes, and I am finding myself doing the things I did the previous day and still not doing the things I am supposed to. I am just lying to mysef...and I think I'm to the point where I dont even believe what I tell myself anymore. I've been waking up earlier to start exercising, and do I?? No...barely a wake up and yawn stretch. My therapist wanted me to start counting how many times I'm chewing, focusing on flavors and textures of what I'm eating...and only remembered to do it a couple of times. I am just soooo disappointed in myself right now.

Ok..Ok..I know I'm not supposed to beat myself up. I know I'm supposed to pick myself up and move on, and keep on going. I know all of this. But you know what? Knowing it isn't helping. Why am I sabotaging myself? GOD!!!!!!!!!!

I know everything I'm doing wrong, I know I need to correct it. I need to. I want too. I really do. So why don't I? I am so frustrated with myself right now that it's sickening.

wash out...

Ok, so the weekend was a total loss.... not weight loss, just loss, as in lost, gone, see ya. My mom had my son this weekend, so the wife and I were going to clean, which we did, but we also got lazy too and didnt want to cook. Let's just say we ate out all weekend, and I did not make any good choices...at all. But...

Today is a new day. Here's to the week ahead!