It's been a week again...lol

OK, it's been a week, ok, a week and a day since I've blogged again. I really need to get better at this I know. Quite a bit has happened. I broke my fear and shared this last Monday at an OA meeting. I can't believe I was soooo scared to say "Hi, I'm Joshua, and I'm a compulsive over eater". What's so hard about that? Well, for me, it was one of the more difficult things I have done in my life. I had to admit out loud, in front of other people that I have no control over my eating, especially when eating certain things. I had to share about my how I had dealt with food in my past, and that was pretty humiliating. But, after sharing, I think I felt more support in that room than I have ever felt in my whole life.

I think getting the love and support from people who are going or have gone through what you are going through is different than the love and support you get from family and friends. Unless they have the same problem that you (or I should say I do), then they really have no idea what it's like, and the support isn't the same. I finally have a place to talk about how I deal with food, and what I'm feeling, and I dont have to worry about what they think of me...because most of them, are exactly like me.

So, I now have a sponsor as well. I have to call him everyday and tell him how I did with my food. I don't need to tell him everything I ate, unless I went off my plan. My plan consists of 3 good, healthy meals a day. No snacks in between, no sugar(cake, ice cream, candy, or any "recreational sugars"), and no pizza. Pizza is a big problem for me.

I feel like this is my last stop, my last chance if you will. Nothing has ever really worked for me. Yes, I've lost a little bit of weight here and there, but only to gain it all back and then some, every single time. This time, today, is going to be different. I'm not on a diet. I just know that there are some things that I can not eat, not because of a diet, but because I cant control myself when I eat these things. It is like being an Alcoholic, but food is my alcohol. So I begin my journey to a new me. Not just on the outside, it's not just about losing weight anymore. It's about becoming the me I have always longed to be.

I believe it's finally time to let go of all the guilt and self loathing that I've been carrying around inside my whole life. All of the things that I have done to others are in the past, and the really big ones have already been dealt with, but I've still been harboring the guilt. I've made those amends. It's time to let it go. It's time for me to stop hiding behind the food, to stop listening to that voice inside me that tells me what a loser I am, and that I dont really deserve to be happy. I'm not a loser. I do deserve to be happy, and for the first time in my life, I'm not going to be a quiter either.

I'm late.

Ok, I know it's been a little while since I have posted, and I have no excuse. At the behest of my therapist, I went to 2 OA meetings this past week, one on Friday, and one on Monday. In going to just these two meetings, I have found something out about myself... I am just like them. All of the things that I feel, they feel them too. Everything that I have gone through, and am going through, they have gone through as well. Do I feel like a loser for going?? Yes I do. But, I feel like a loser with some hope finally. I haven't committed to working the program yet, or started on any of the changes they recommend making, or starting any of the steps, but I do know I need this...more than I have ever needed anything in my life. I am powerless over food. I don't control food...food controls me.

It's been a week.

Hi all... I know, it's been a week since my last post. My eating has been ok...not the greatest, but ok. We have decided that I'm not going to follow the Dr.'s diet plan of a shake in the moring, salad at lunch and shake for dinner. It is too much like a "diet" and isnt working for me. I'm going to get another opinion. I'm still not drinking enough water...but I am doing better.