Wow!!! Can you believe it's been a freak'n month since my last post??? Sorry! I got a bit off track with everything. Things got a little crazy around here. So, I have big news, our new baby son, Max, was born on April 23. So now, I have even more motivation to get this show on the road.

My food has not been good lately. I've been eating crap and I know it. I havent been honest about it with my sponsor either, but I will be in the next day or so. I havent been exercising either, but I'm going to jump on that train today. I have been so happy lately that I haven't even thought about any of this, but I figure while I 'm still so happy and up, I ought to get focused again. So, here's to another start! Talk to you soon!!

It's been a week again...lol

OK, it's been a week, ok, a week and a day since I've blogged again. I really need to get better at this I know. Quite a bit has happened. I broke my fear and shared this last Monday at an OA meeting. I can't believe I was soooo scared to say "Hi, I'm Joshua, and I'm a compulsive over eater". What's so hard about that? Well, for me, it was one of the more difficult things I have done in my life. I had to admit out loud, in front of other people that I have no control over my eating, especially when eating certain things. I had to share about my how I had dealt with food in my past, and that was pretty humiliating. But, after sharing, I think I felt more support in that room than I have ever felt in my whole life.

I think getting the love and support from people who are going or have gone through what you are going through is different than the love and support you get from family and friends. Unless they have the same problem that you (or I should say I do), then they really have no idea what it's like, and the support isn't the same. I finally have a place to talk about how I deal with food, and what I'm feeling, and I dont have to worry about what they think of me...because most of them, are exactly like me.

So, I now have a sponsor as well. I have to call him everyday and tell him how I did with my food. I don't need to tell him everything I ate, unless I went off my plan. My plan consists of 3 good, healthy meals a day. No snacks in between, no sugar(cake, ice cream, candy, or any "recreational sugars"), and no pizza. Pizza is a big problem for me.

I feel like this is my last stop, my last chance if you will. Nothing has ever really worked for me. Yes, I've lost a little bit of weight here and there, but only to gain it all back and then some, every single time. This time, today, is going to be different. I'm not on a diet. I just know that there are some things that I can not eat, not because of a diet, but because I cant control myself when I eat these things. It is like being an Alcoholic, but food is my alcohol. So I begin my journey to a new me. Not just on the outside, it's not just about losing weight anymore. It's about becoming the me I have always longed to be.

I believe it's finally time to let go of all the guilt and self loathing that I've been carrying around inside my whole life. All of the things that I have done to others are in the past, and the really big ones have already been dealt with, but I've still been harboring the guilt. I've made those amends. It's time to let it go. It's time for me to stop hiding behind the food, to stop listening to that voice inside me that tells me what a loser I am, and that I dont really deserve to be happy. I'm not a loser. I do deserve to be happy, and for the first time in my life, I'm not going to be a quiter either.

I'm late.

Ok, I know it's been a little while since I have posted, and I have no excuse. At the behest of my therapist, I went to 2 OA meetings this past week, one on Friday, and one on Monday. In going to just these two meetings, I have found something out about myself... I am just like them. All of the things that I feel, they feel them too. Everything that I have gone through, and am going through, they have gone through as well. Do I feel like a loser for going?? Yes I do. But, I feel like a loser with some hope finally. I haven't committed to working the program yet, or started on any of the changes they recommend making, or starting any of the steps, but I do know I need this...more than I have ever needed anything in my life. I am powerless over food. I don't control food...food controls me.

It's been a week.

Hi all... I know, it's been a week since my last post. My eating has been ok...not the greatest, but ok. We have decided that I'm not going to follow the Dr.'s diet plan of a shake in the moring, salad at lunch and shake for dinner. It is too much like a "diet" and isnt working for me. I'm going to get another opinion. I'm still not drinking enough water...but I am doing better.

Better...

Ok all...sorry for my rant yesterday, but I need to vent. Yesterday was actually better for me. It was Ash Wedneday (The first day of Lent), so it was a NO MEAT day. I had oatmeal in the morning (although I did have 2 cups of coffee with it), a 6 inch tuna on wheat with light mayo, lettuce and green bell peppers, a small bag of baked lays, and a bottle of water for lunch. In between breakfast and lunch, I did have a sprite, and some chips..I was feeling a down as you can tell from yesterdays blog, and (I'm sorry to say) did some emotional eating.

After work, off to see my therapist, and then home. I didnt eat anything between therapy and dinner, which we have decided is one of my most dangerous times of the day on eating for me. For Dinner, we had Pasta-Roni, I forgot which one, but I had about a cup and a half of those noodles an 2 glasses of water. I had an Orange a bit later...and water.

I know I'm a day late, but I decided to give up soda for Lent, and use it as a catalyst to keep me soda free. Thanks Sis for popping that suggestion in there. I am feeling better about it all today.
I'm really glad yesterday was therapy day...I really needed it.

So this morning, I got up, took out the trash, fed the tortoise, rode the stationary for 20 minutes and got ready for work. I'm glad I got some exercise in..it's been too long. I'm also going to drink my water today!! It's going to be a good day for me.

Bad habits

I keep telling myself that it is ok that I messed up, and I can get back on track tomorrow, because "tomorrow is a new day". What a load of crap. The next day comes, and I am finding myself doing the things I did the previous day and still not doing the things I am supposed to. I am just lying to mysef...and I think I'm to the point where I dont even believe what I tell myself anymore. I've been waking up earlier to start exercising, and do I?? No...barely a wake up and yawn stretch. My therapist wanted me to start counting how many times I'm chewing, focusing on flavors and textures of what I'm eating...and only remembered to do it a couple of times. I am just soooo disappointed in myself right now.

Ok..Ok..I know I'm not supposed to beat myself up. I know I'm supposed to pick myself up and move on, and keep on going. I know all of this. But you know what? Knowing it isn't helping. Why am I sabotaging myself? GOD!!!!!!!!!!

I know everything I'm doing wrong, I know I need to correct it. I need to. I want too. I really do. So why don't I? I am so frustrated with myself right now that it's sickening.

wash out...

Ok, so the weekend was a total loss.... not weight loss, just loss, as in lost, gone, see ya. My mom had my son this weekend, so the wife and I were going to clean, which we did, but we also got lazy too and didnt want to cook. Let's just say we ate out all weekend, and I did not make any good choices...at all. But...

Today is a new day. Here's to the week ahead!

Did Better today.

But still not good. Skipped Breakfast again.. For lunch I had 2 chicken tacos from Baja Fresh, and 2 bottles of water. For Dinner, Vic and I had a lobster tail, rice and vegi and Clancy's Crab Broiler in Glendale. It was good. Didnt have any desert though, which is good for us, cuz we usually do when we eat there. I'm going to leave it at this tonight, as I really dont feel like talking about how I'm feeling, or what I'm going through, I just don't have it in me tonight. G'night.

Been a rough few days.

So, the last few days, I have just been feeling really tired. I still havent been exercising, I keep telling myself that I am going to do it when I get home from work, but when I get home, I am just so tired, that I don't want to do ANYTHING! The house has gotten very messy, because my pregnant wife feels the same way. I can understand her being so tired...after all, she is pregnant. But me, I have no excuse. I feel like I'm just completely lazy...which I am, but more so lately than usual. I haven't really been doing anything that I said I was going to. I haven't been drinking enough water, not even close. I haven't been exercising. I have been watching what I'm eating, but that is not what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be doing what my doctor had told me to do. My therapist says I need to allow myself to find some middle ground, instead of having an "all or nothing" mentality, but my God, that is hard to do.

Food wise, Tuesday wasnt bad. I had my fruit smoothie for breakfast. An Orange, banana, and a yoplait light blueberry yogurt for lunch. For dinner, we had El Pollo Loco, and I had a leg, a thigh, and 2 tortillas with salsa. I didnt even drink any soda on Tuesday, not bad. Wednesday though was another story. I didnt eat breakfast, I had a coke and some chips before lunch. For Lunch I had a 6" club on wheat from Subway with a Coke Zero. Later I had another coke. For Dinner I had an Al & Bea's Special Burrito and a rootbeer....freak'n awsome. Usually when we go to Al & Bea's I'll have more than that. So I did better than I normally would when we go there.

But I'm still not happy with how it has been going. I haven't really been putting my heart into it and I know it. I still haven't gone to an OA meeting yet. I just cant bring myself to go. My therapist says I'll go when I'm ready to go. Well, I think I've shared enough for today.

OK, I over did it this weekend.

OK...so, I didnt do so hot this weekend. But can you blame me? Sunday, my mom had my son, so the wife and I celebrated Valentines day. We went to the Melting Pot in Pasadena, where it is all fondue, all the time. It was great. We had salmon, herb marinated chicken, shrimp, thin filets of beef, lobster and vegitables. We got to cook it ourselves in this boiling broth...it was great. The appetizer was a melted cheese, and we got to dip bread, vegi's and apples into it...it was ok. I didnt go overboard on the cheese. I was rather proud of myself. Desert ws another matter, melted chocolate...that we dipped cake, rice crispy treat, strawberries and banana's in. HEAVEN!! I went overboard on the soda however.

Yesterday wasnt too great either. I had a hard boiled egg and a banana for breakfast, but ruined it with lunch and dinner. Lunch was a Western bacon cheese burger and kris cut fries with a large rootbeer. Dinner... Numero Uno the works pizza. But I didnt go nuts like I usually do with Pizza. I had 3 slices, 2 wings and called it good. It was still too much though.

So, this morning, I am back on track. I'm drinking my OJ, 1/2 banana, 3 strawberries and pineapple chunks and ice shake. I brought an orange, a banana, and 2 yogurts with me for snacks today. I plan on having a chinese chicken salad for lunch. We'll see.

IT IS STILL SATURDAY!!

Ok, I know technically it's Sunday, but since it's only 14 minutes after midnight, it's still Saturday to me, and therefore, I havent missed blogging today...so there. OK, heres what I ate today...not too good, but not all bad either.
Breakfast: 2 pillsbury orange Danish, 1/2 glass OJ
Snack: 1 6oz yoplait light blueberry patch yogurt, 20 oz water
Snack 1 large Orange 20 oz water
Dinner, 6 mini corn dogs, a little orange chicken and some Chow Mein Noodles, 1 small piece of birthday cake. 20 oz water, and then way tooooo much soda.

Ok, I know I blew it with the soda. Tomorrow will be a bit better. G'night all.

Ok... So here I am again. I've been having a real problem blogging. I know I'm should be doing it everday, but it is so much like journaling for me, that it is hard to stick with it. My sister gave me some "weight loss" blogging tips on her blog (Losing a Little Lisa), thanks sis. So, what I am going to start to try to do is blog what I ate and drank every day, what exercises I did that day, and any thing else that seems to be on my mind. So, if on some days, you only see food and exercises listed, it just means that I either didn't feel like blogging today, or there was really just nothing else on my mind.

My therapist would like me to go to an OA meeting at least once a week. She says I need to be around like minded people, basically other people with food related problems. I just can't seem to bring myself to go. Is this what Alcoholics go through?? I'm going to try to go to one tonight. I've also decided at the advice of my therapist to take each day as it is... "one day at a time". So, today I am going to eat what I'm supposed to, drink my water, like I'm supposed to... just today. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Wish me luck and say a prayer for me will ya?

Weight Tracker

I need more water.

Ok, so I missed a day of blogging, not off to a good start I know. Well, this week has been rather bad for me. My little sister has been staying with us this week to play with my son ( we do love it when she is here though), but it's been terrible for my waistline, not to mention, it was my birthday this week.

So, I have jumped back on the wagon today. Got up, showered, made my healthy shake, and I was out the door. I havent been doing much in the way of exercise yet, but I know I need to. I am going to start walking down to the tar pits on my lunch hour again. When I was doing that, I was losing pretty well.

I need to drink more water.

Getting it Started...

So, following in my older sister's footsteps, I have decided to blog my weight loss journey. This is not going to be easy, by any stretch of the imagination. I need to lose about 160 lbs... in essence, a whole person. My doctor is behind me, and has me on a very strict diet, that I have to admit, is very hard to stick too. But you know what? I'm ready to do it. I honestly feel like I'm ready, that I can do it now. I have the same feeling that I had when I finally quit smoking. The feeling that this is it, it's time, nothing is going to stop me now.

I have to do this. Giving up soda is absolutely the hardest part for me. I have given it up in the past, but always end up going back to it. I think I'm a sugar addict. I read that bread falls into the sugar addicts diet big time too, as the white flour carbs turn into sugar. So, I need to work on cutting out sugar and bread all together, almost as hard as giving up soda.

Thank God I have the support of my wife, who loves me so much. I dont know what I would do without her. So, I have joined Spark People, and I think I will be checking out some of the links on my sisters blog as well. I dont know if anyone will ever read this blog, and quite honestly, it doesnt matter to me. I need to be able to write down my successes and failures and vent my frustrations and share my wins.

So, if anyone is reading this, follow along, and take the journey with me. See ya at the top.